REGALWISE SHEPHERDS HUMOR
On
this page I
have
collected the best of the thousands of jokes and
stories that have arrived in my email over the
past few years:
DOGGY HUMOR
Miscellaneous Dog Jokes
How
To
Prepare For a Puppy
Why
Own A
Show Dog?
Dog
Show People
New
Breeds of
Dogs
Dog
Show Poem
Sexist
Humor
MEN
VS. WOMEN
HOW
TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
FEMALE
COMEBACKS
In
the beginning..
HOLIDAY HUMOR
The
politically correct twelve days of Christmas
A Thought
For
Christmas
HUMOR
AT WORK
MORE
IDIOT
SIGHTINGS
Job
Application
HOW
TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
POST
OFFICE
REAL
STORIES FROM TRAVEL AGENTS
POLITICAL
It
Costs So Little, And It Means So Much
RELIGOUS
RELIGIOUS
PHILOSOPHIES IN A NUTSHELL
MISC.
21
REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN
ONE
LINERS
TRUE STORY
REFLECTIONS
ON LIFE
IDIOT
SIGHTINGS
DIHYDROGEN
MONOXIDE
PUN CONTEST WINNERS
How
To Prepare For a Puppy
Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several
places and walk around barefoot in the dark.
Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded
by a blender.
Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain
in the dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go
potty now, hurry up - come on, let's go!"
Cover all your best clothes with dog hair. Dark
clothes must use white hair; light clothes must
use dark.
Float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the
morning.
Also put some hair in everything that you cook!!!
And in the pots and pans in your cupboards!!
Run out in the snow/rain in your bare feet to
close the gate.
Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter
clothing all over the floor.
Leave your underwear on the living room floor
because that's where the puppy will drag it
anyway.....especial ly when company is coming.
Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of
your favorite TV program and run to the door
shouting "No, No! Do THAT OUTSIDE!" Miss
the end of the program :))
Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the
morning; don't try to clean it up until you get
home from work in the evening.
Gouge the leg of the dining room table several
times with a screwdriver. ...it's going to get
chewed on anyway.
Have a backhoe come in and dig random giant holes
in your yard. Then go out in the early am and step
in a few. Try not to break anything.
Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer
and immediately wrap it around yourself.
This is the feeling you will get when your puppy
falls asleep on your lap.
Author Unknown
DOG
PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I
like it,
it's mine.
2. If
it's in my
mouth, it's mine.
3. If I
can
take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I
had it a
little while ago, it's mine.
5. If
it's mine, it
must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If
I'm chewing
something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If
it just looks
like mine, it's mine.
8. If I
saw it
first, it's mine.
9. If
you are
playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10.
If it's broken, it's
yours.
HOW
DOGS AND MEN
ARE THE SAME
1. Both
take up too
much space on the bed.
2. Both
have
irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both
mark their
territory.
4.
Neither tells
you what's bothering them.
5. The
smaller ones
tend to be more nervous.
6.
Neither does any
dishes.
7. Both
fart
shamelessly.
8. Neither of
them notice when you get your hair cut.
9. Both
like
dominance games.
10.
Both are suspicious of
the
postman.
11.
Neither understands what
you
see in cats.
HOW
DOGS ARE
BETTER
THAN MEN
1. Dogs do not
have
problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you
when
you're gone.
3. Dogs feel
guilty
when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit
when
they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very
direct
about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not
play games
with you-except fetch (and they never laugh
at
how you throw.)
7. You can train
a dog.
8. Dogs are easy
to buy
for.
9. The worst
social
disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the
really
worst
disease you
can get from them is rabies, but there's a
vaccine
for it and you
can
kill the one that gives it to you).
10.
Dogs understand what
"no" means.
11.
Dogs mean it when they
kiss
you
TOP
TEN REASONS WHY
A DOG IS
BETTER THAN A WOMAN
1.
A dog's parents will
never
visit you.
2.
A dog loves you when you
leave your clothes on the floor.
3.
A dog limits its time in
the
bathroom to a quick drink.
4.
A dog never expects you
to
telephone.
5.
A dog will not get mad at
you
if you forget its birthday.
6.
A dog does not care about
the
previous dogs in your life.
7.
A dog does not get mad at
you
if you pet another dog.
8.
A dog never expects
flowers
on Valentine's Day.
9.
The later you are, the
happier a dog is to see you.
LIFE
LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
1.
If you stare at someone
long
enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2.
Don't go out without ID.
3.
Be direct with people;
let
them know exactly how you feel by piddling on
their shoes.
4.
Be aware of when to hold
your
tongue, and when to use it.
5.
Leave room in your
schedule
for a good nap.
6.
Always give people a
friendly
greeting.
7.
A cold nose in the crotch
is
most effective.
8.
When you do something
wrong,
always take responsibility (as soon as
you're
dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
9.
If it's not wet and
sloppy,
it's not a real kiss.
Sign
on fence: "Trespasser today. German
Shepherd shit tomorrow!"
Why own a show dog?
Why own a show dog
?
There's a danger you know.
You can't own just one,
For the craving will grow.
There's no doubt they're addictive
Wherein lies the danger
While living with lots
You'll grow poorer and stranger.
One dog is no trouble,
And two are so funny,
The third one is easy,
The fourth one's a honey.
The fifth is delightful,
The six ones a breeze.
You find you can live
With a houseful, with ease.
So how 'bout another ?
Would you really dare ?
They're really quite easy
But , Oh lord, the Hair !
With dogs on the sofa,
And dogs on the bed,
And crates in the kitchen,
It's no bother, you said.
They,re really no trouble,
Their manners are great.
What's just one more dog.
And one more little crate ?
The sofa is hairy,
The windows are crusty.
The floor is all footprints,
The furniture's dusty.
The housekeeping suffers,
But what do you care ?
Who minds a few nose prints
And a little more hair ?
There's hardly a limit
To the dogs you can add
The thought of a cutback,
Sure makes you feel bad.
Each one is so special,
So useful, so funny,
The food bill grows larger,
You owe the vet money.
Your folks never visit,
Few friends come to stay.
Except other dog folks
Who live the same way.
Your lawn has now died,
And your shrubs are dead, too
But your weekends are busy,
You're off with your crew.
There's dog food and vitamins
Training and shots.
And entries and travel and
Motels which costs lots.
Is it worth it you wonder ?
Are you cought in a trap ?
Then that favourite comes up
And climbs in your lap.
His look says you're special
And you know that you will
Keep all the critters
In spite of the bill.
Some just for showing,
And some just to breed
And some just for loving
They all fill a need.
But winters are hassle,
The dogs hate it, too,
But they must have their walks
Tho' they're numb & you're blue.
Late evening is awful,
You scream and you shout
At the dogs on the sofa,
Who refuse to go out.
The dogs and the dog shows
The travel, the thrills
The work and the worry
The pressure, the bills.
The whole thing seems worth it
The dogs are your life.
They're charming and funny
And offset the strife.
Your lifestyle has changed.
Things just won't be the same.
Yes those dogs are addictive
And so's the dog game !
Authur unknown
Dog show people:
*Are
a special
breed not usually recognized by the AKC
*Think everyone has crates in
their living room
*Have a messy house, but their
kennels are spotless
*Can always find a show
catalogue within arm's reach
*Drive trucks, vans, station
wagons especially equipped to haul dog crates
*Can never be reached on a
weekend. They're usually at a dog show
*Will drive 400 miles, spend
$100 on gas, $200 on a motel room, & $150 on
meals to bring home
a .25 cent ribbon
*Have lush, green beautiful
backyards & never bought a bag of fertilizer
*Get up at 6am to walk the dogs,
can be at ringside dressed to kill at 8am,
but have trouble getting
to work on time
*Never miss a closing date for
entry fees, but pay the mortgage ten days late
*Use dog food bags for trash
bags & 30-gallon trash cans for dog food
*Talk for hours on the phone to
another dog person in a language known only to dog
people
*Have parents who think they've
lost their minds
*Have neighbors who think
they're strange
*Have doggie friends who think
they're terrific
NEW BREEDS OF DOGS
The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso= Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow= Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter= Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund= Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso= Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel= Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever= Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound= Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog= Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer= Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier= Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu= Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed
There
was a time, there really was,
When I was sweet and tender,
When SHOW DOG meant a Disney Star,
And Bitch was not a gender.
I went to bed at half past ten,
I went to church on Sunday.
On Saturday I baked the beans,
And did the wash on Monday.
But then I got a certain pup,
And an erstwhile friend said, "SHOW"
And so I did, and so I do,
OH! What I didn't know.
I used to dress with flair and style,
That was the life, don't knock it.
But now each dress from bed to ball
Must have a good bait pocket.
I used to have a certain air,
I wallowed in perfume,
I used to smell of Nuit D'Amour,
Now I smell like Mr. Groom.
My furniture was haut decor,
My pets a tank of guppies,
Now I've furniture unstuffed,
And well-adjusted puppies.
Once I spoke in pristine prose,
In dulcet tones and frail,
But now I'm using language,
That would turn a sailor pale
I was taught to be well-groomed
No matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do
Is in the handler's tent.
I used to long for clothes and jewels,
And a figure classed as super,
Now the thing I yearn for most
Is a nice new Pooper-Scooper.
I adored a man who murmured verse
Through intimate little dinners,
But now the words I thrill to hear
Are just three-"Best of Winners"
I rise at dawn and pack the car
The road ahead's a long one.
The one I routed on the maps
Invaribly's the wrong one.
I really love this doggy life
I wouldn't care to change it.
But when I get that BEST IN SHOW
I plan to rearrange it.
And when my time on earth is done,
I'll go without much nudging.
Just give me three weeks closing date,
And let me know who's judging.
Author unknown
The last fight was my fault. My wife
asked,
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God
nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't
eaten anything in four days." She looked at
him and said, "God, I wish I had your
willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified:
"Wife wanted". Next day he received a
hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an
angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still
alive."
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would
go through life thinking they had no faults at
all!
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your
sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew
what real happiness was until I got married;
and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how
much does it cost to get married?
And the father replied, "I don't know son,
I'm still paying.
One day three men were walking along
and came
upon a raging, violent
river. They needed to get to the other side, but
had no idea how to do it.
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please
God, give me the strength to
cross this river." Poof!! God gave him big
arms and strong legs, and he
was able to swim across the river in about two
hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying,
"Please God, give me
the strength and ability to cross the river."
Poof!! God gave him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in
about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the
other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me
the strength, ability, and
intelligence to cross this river."
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked
at the map, then
walked across the bridge!
WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side
to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their
friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no
strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show
how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy
and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and
friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for
you to do the same to people you come in contact
with.
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and fixing
shit.
"HOW
TO IMPRESS A WOMAN"
Wine
her
Dine
her
Call
her
Hug
her
Support
her
Hold
her
Surprise
her
Compliment
her
Smile
at her
Listen
to her
Laugh
with her
Cry
with her
Romance
her
Believe
in her
Cuddle
with her
Shop
with her
Give
her jewelry
Buy
her flowers
Hold
her hand
Write
love letters to her
Go
to
the end of the earth and back again for her.
"HOW TO IMPRESS A
MAN"
Show
up naked.
Bring
food and Beer
FEMALE
COMEBACKS
Man: Where have you been all my life ?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing.
In the
beginning...............
"What's the problem,
Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided
this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm
just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from
above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of
apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with
many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all
in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But...he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to
hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's
aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll
create him in such a way ! that he will satisfy
your physical needs. He will be witless and will
revel in childish things like fighting and kicking
a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also
need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an
ironically raised eyebrow.
What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well, ... you can have him on one
condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and
self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe
that I made him first. Just remember, it's our
little secret.....................You know, woman
to woman."
The
politically correct twelve days of Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed
midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a
consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me,
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior
through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit
orchestra made up of members in good standing of
the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their
union contract even though they will not be asked
to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions
of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic
self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons
stealing milk-products from enslaved
Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally
protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen
non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned
enforced domestic incarceration...
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation
Front threatened to throw red paint at my
computer,
the calling birds, French hens and partridge have
been reintroduced to their native habitat. To
avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the
remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled
processed tree carcasses
AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an
old-growth pear tree.
A Thought
For
Christmas
Do you know what would have happened
If it had been Three Wise Women
Instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace On Earth
21
REASONS
WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more
refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead
out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in
the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to present the
present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass
drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the
bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the
invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to
row.
13) They were too close to the door to close
it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are
present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a
sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his
sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the
sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got
number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a
tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of
tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate
friend?
MORE
IDIOT
SIGHTINGS
These are supposedly actual quotes from federal
employee performance reviews. Perhaps there's
something here you can use the next time you're
stuck trying to think of an apt comment for that
certain
student....
1. "Since my last report, this employee has
reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to
breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a
has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant
supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that
it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking
lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of
adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village
somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the
sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic
thing to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus. . .144 times worse
than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a
carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him
sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too
much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he
leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should
sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one
looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens
cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural
de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he
was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing,
but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the
other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to
be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his
thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you
can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out
1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of
knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60
minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is
dead."
This
is a job application
a 17 year old boy submitted at
a McDonald's fast-food establishment in
Florida........and they
hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: ********
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a
position to be picky,
I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not
possible, make an offer
and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection
of stolen pens
and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday,
and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're
better suited
to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be
here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing
House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
super model who
thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd
like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
HOW
TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car
w/sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise
your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries
with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a
little synchronized chair
dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it
"IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to
espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write
'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with,
"That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In
accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the
brightness level lights up
the entire work area. Insist to others that you
like it that way.
13) Dont use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh
hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is
"to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems
don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly
the same outfits. Wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your
boss is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell
them what you're doing.
For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in
the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play
a tape of jungle
sounds all day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you
can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say
anything.
25) Have your co-workers address you by your
wrestling
name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream
"I Won!", "I Won!"
"3rd
time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the zoo, start running towards
the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices
in my head that bother me, its the voices in your
head that do."
29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to
the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
30) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey,
your mother is here!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity....
31. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address
book, even if they sent
it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff
like this
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jerald C. Pilcher
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going
slower than you is a moron, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
POST
OFFICE
A Post Office worker, at the main sorting office,
finds an unstamped, poorly
handwritten envelope, addressed to God. He opens
it and discovers it is
from
an elderly lady, distressed because all her
savings-$100 have been stolen.
She will be cold & hungry this Easter without
divine intervention.
He organizes a whip-round amongst the postal
workers, who dig deep and come
up with $96. They get it to her by special courier
the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes
the same hand on another
envelope. He opens it: "Dear God, Thank you
for the $100 for Easter, which
would have been so bleak otherwise.
P.S. It was four dollars short but that was
probably those thieving bastards
at the Post Office."
The
following are actual stories provided by travel
agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their
hair wouldn't get mussed
by being near the window.
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, then she
interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make
you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying
to make her look like
the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod
is in Massachusetts,
Capetown is in Africa." Her response . . .
click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
possible, since Orlando is
in the middle of the state. He replied,
"Don't lie to me. I looked on the map,
and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it
possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said,
"But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a
car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a
1-hour lay-over in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, "I heard Dallas
is a big airport, and I need a car to drive
between the gates to save
time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it
was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into
Chicago at 8:33am. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead
of Illinois, but she could
not understand the concept of time zones. Finally,
I told her the plane
went very fast. She bought that.
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put
your physical description on
your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
who? I said, "No, why do
you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I
checked in with the airline, they
put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm
overweight, is there any
connection?" After putting her on hold for a
minute while I "looked into it"
( I was actually laughing) I came back and
explained the city code for Fresno is
FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.
A client called in inquiring about a package to
Hawaii. After going over
all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be
cheaper to fly to California
and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a man who asked,
"How do I know which plane
to get on?" I asked him what exactly he
meant, to which he replied, "I
was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these darn planes have numbers
on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to
Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly
to Pensacola on a commuter
plane? She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A business man called and had a question about the
documents he needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I
don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I
double checked and sure enough, his
stay required a visa. When I told him this he
said, "Look, I've been to
China four times and every time they have accepted
my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want
to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a
loss for words. Finally, the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the
town?" "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the customer. After some
searching, the agent came
back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up
every airport code in the
country and can't find a Hippopotamus
anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh
don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map." The agent scoured
a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean
Buffalo, do you?" "That's it -- I knew
it was a big animal."
Blonde Joke:
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her
first task was to go out
for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the
job, she grabbed a
large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the
thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came
over to take her order.
She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six
cups of coffee?" The coffee
shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few
seconds, then finally
replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups
to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two
black, and two decaf."
This
is a True Story...
On a recent weekend in
Atlantic City, a woman
won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from
the slots for dinner
with her husband in the hotel dining room. But
first she wanted to
stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to
eat," she told her husband and
she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about
to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard --
both were black. One of them was big -- very big
... and an
intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was:
These two are going to rob me.
Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look
like perfectly
nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are
powerful, and fear
immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt
anxious, flustered
and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind.
Surely they
knew -- her hesitation about joining them in the
elevator was all too
obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just
stand there, so
with a mighty effort of will she picked up one
foot and stepped forward
and followed with the other foot and was on the
elevator. Avoiding
eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced
the elevator doors as
they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then
another.
Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move.
Panic consumed her.
My, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be
robbed! Her heart
plummeted -- perspiration poured from every pore.
Then ... one of the
men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told
her: Do what they tell you. The
bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out
her arms and
collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of
coins rained down on
her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.
More seconds passed ...
She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell
us what floor you're going to, we'll push the
button." The one who said
it had a little trouble getting the words out. He
was trying mightily to
hold in a laugh. She lifted her head and looked up
at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she
struggled to her feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the
floor," said the average sized
one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't
mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his
lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not
laughing.
She thought: My, what a spectacle I've made of
myself. She was too
humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an
apology, but words
failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
respectable
gentlemen for behaving as though they were going
to rob you?
She didn't know what to say. The 3 of them
gathered up the
strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the
elevator arrived at her
floor they insisted on walking her to her room.
She seemed a little
unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she
might not make it down
the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening. As she
slipped into her room
she could hear them roaring with laughter while
they walked back to the
elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She
pulled herself together and
went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her
room - a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred
dollar bill. The card
said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years."
It was signed,
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
(no, it's not really true, but it IS funny)
ONE LINERS
How Do Crazy People Go Through the Forest?
They Take the Psycho Path.
===========
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
============
What Do Eskimos Get from Sitting on the Ice Too
Long?
Polaroid's
============
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.
============
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
============
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
============
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters in Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
=============
What Do You Get from a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
==============
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman with a
Vampire?
Frostbite.
==========
What Lies at the Bottom of the Ocean and Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
============
What's the Difference Between Roast Beef and Pea
Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef
=============
Where Do You Find a Dog with No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
=============
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
===============
Why Don't Blind People like to Sky Dive?
Because it Scares the Dog.
==============
What Kind of Coffee Was Served on the Titanic?
Sanka
===============
What Is the Difference Between a Harley and a
Hoover?
The Location of the Dirt Bag.
==================
Why Does a Pilgrim's Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wear Their Belt Buckle on Their Hat.
===================
What's the Difference Between a Bad Golfer and a
Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang It!!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang It!! Whack
===============
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique up on It.
===============
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique up on It.
=================
What Do You Call Skydiving Lawyers?
Skeet.
==============
What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop,
Clop, Clop?
An Amish Drive-by Shooting
RELIGIOUS
PHILOSOPHIES IN A NUTSHELL
Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit
REFLECTIONS
ON
LIFE
1.Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves
your groin unprotected.
2.I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no
pain, no pain.
3.I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4.I'm desperately trying to figure out why
Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5.Do illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?
6.I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should
have been more
specific.
7.Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
gets mad at you, but when
you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
window.
8.Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is
an idiot, but anyone
going faster is a maniac?
9.You have to stay in shape. My mother started
walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea
where she is.
10.They show you how detergents take out
bloodstains. I think if you've
got bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry
isn't your biggest problem.
11.Ask people why they have deer heads on their
walls and they tell you
it's because they're such beautiful animals. I
think my wife is beautiful but I
only have photographs of her on the wall.
12.A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at
my suede jacket and
said "Don't you know a cow was murdered for
that jacket?" I said "I didn't know
there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill
you too."
13.Future historians will be able to study at the
Jimmy Carter Library,
the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library
and the Bill Clinton Adult
Bookstore.
14.Lead me not into temptation. I can find it
myself.
IDIOT SIGHTINGS
This week, all our office phones went dead and I
had to contact the telephone repair people. They
promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and
7:00p.m. When I asked if they could give me
a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman
asked, "Would you like us to call you before
we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he
would be able to do that, since our phones weren't
working. He also requested that we report future
outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a
telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card
purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed
my
name on the back of the credit card. She informed
me that she could not complete the transaction
unless the card was signed. When I asked
why, she explained that it was necessary to
compare the signature I had just signed on the
receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of
her. She carefully compared the signature to the
one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck
would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to
cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered
a taco. She asked the person behind the
counter for "minimal lettuce." He said
he was sorry, but they only had
"iceberg."
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when
an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put
anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it
was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why
we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe
to cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectectually-challenged coworker of mine when
she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals blind people when the
light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are
blind people doing driving?!"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear
co-worker who was leaving the company due to
"downsizing," our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this
more often." Not a word was spoken. We all
just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power
strip back into it self and for the life of her
couldn't
understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told
the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "It's open!" To which he
replied, "I know - I already got that
side."
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
.
It
Costs So Little, And It Means So Much
As you are probably aware, if the voting results
in Florida stand as
they are now, George W. Bush will be our next
President.
This will have catastrophic results in our vital,
no, indispensable
entertainment industry. Barbra Streisand, Martin
Sheen, Susan Sarandon,
Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin, among many others
have sworn to leave
the country if George W. Bush is elected
president. And this is where
YOU can help. We need volunteers to help pack and
to load moving vans.
We also need volunteers to provide airfare for
these irreplaceable
national treasures so they can relocate before
they can change their
minds.
For the cost of a small SUV you can sponsor one of
these celebrities and
their unfortunate relocation. You will know that
your efforts are
helping when you receive postcards, letters and
pictures from your
chosen "refugee" as they learn to become
useful citizens in the third
world country of their choosing.
You will help, won't you?? It costs so little, but
it means so much!!
Call 1-800-deport-a-lib.
Operators are standing by.
Major credit cards are accepted.
(Update: In fact, the
only person who has made
good on his promise is Pierre Salinger, former
press secretary to President Kennedy, who is
moving to France.)
DIHYDROGEN
MONOXIDE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first
prize at the Greater
Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was
attempting to show how
conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing
junk science and
spreading fear of everything in our environment.
In his project he
urged people to sign a petition demanding strict
control or total
elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen
monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the
chemical. Forty-
three said yes, six were undecided, and only one
knew that the
chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was,
"How Gullible Are We?" He
feels the conclusion is obvious.
THE
ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE
DEVELOPMENT.
Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other
goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan
sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture
of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought
the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.